Subject: Fwd: Bradford Olympic Bid!

The people of Bradford have made a late bid to host the 2004 Olympic Games.
However, it has been requested that some of the events and traditions be
modified to ensure that local competitors have a fairer chance of winning medals.
The International Olympic Committee is respectfully asked to consider
establishing the Olympic Village at Richard Dunn Sports Centre (the showers
there should be in full working order as soon as the copper pipes are
returned, but arrangementshave been made to use Bradford Beck if they
are not returned in time). The use of drugs will be very closely monitored. A
spokesman said yesterday, "Drugs will only be available in the Oak Lane
area of Bradford". When asked about urine samples, the spokesman said "No-one
takes the piss out of our lads", and offered the researcher outside.
The Olympic Flame will be slightly different. The lighting ceremony will
comprise of the time honoured tradition of torching a brand new BMW.

Proposals have also been put forward concerning rule changes for the following events:

1. 100m Sprint
Athletes will sprint along Manningham Lane with a DVD player under one arm
and a microwave under the other. The starting gun will be replaced by a
Police siren and athletes will be given a 20 metre start, after which Police
dogs will be releasedinto each lane.

2. Fencing
Protective masks will be replaced with black balaclavars as is the local
custom. Athletes then have to dispose of a wide selection of antiques,
electrical goods, mountain bikes and stolen car stereos in the shortest
possible time.

3. Triple Jump
This event will revert to it's old name of hop, skip and jump. It will be
sponcered by HMS Prison Service, and medals are awarded to competitors who
can find the mostingenios ways of jumping bail.

4. Boxing
This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams only, and will be
held at various social club 'lock ins' in the Ravenscliffe and Holme Wood
estates on Saturday evenings. Husbands must down 14 pints of Stella before
encountering their wives, who will announce one of the following:
a)THA'S NOWT FO TEA
b)THA TELLY'S BEEN REPOSSESSED
c)OUR TRACY'S UP THE STICK
d)I'M UP THE STICK
e)THA SLAG UP R ROAD IS UP THE STICK AND SAID IT'S YOURS

5. Tug of War
Chains will be fixed to concrete bollards at th Foster Square Shopping
Centre. The winning team will be the one's who pull out the bollards the
quickest. The use of a 4x4 is not permitted.

6. Equestrian Events
Horses, ponies and assorted nags will be collected from Dick Lane playing
fields. Medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.

7. Shot Putt
Half charlies (bricks) will be thrown from different distances at suitable
glass windows, i.e. Sunwin House, chemist shops, newsagents and/or traffic
on Manningham Lane.

8. Marathon
Athletes to be accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier, Doberman, Alsatian or
Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs are not permitted.

9. Cycling
The committee is unanimous in their ruling that tandems are for girls.
Most bikes will accommodate two people, as long as they have no brakes or
lights, and are ridden along public footpaths. Bikes must be mountain bikes, and
must have spent at least 2 weeks in the Leeds/Liverpool canal. Those poxy
putaway scooters are not permitted.

10. Swimming
The only rule is that you must be an illegal immigrant who does not speak
English but can make kerbabs. The committee is confident sufficient funds
can be found to stage this event.

11. Decathlon
Open to anyone who can get around Harvey Nicks, Flannels, Vivienne Westwood,
etc. without being caught not paying.

12. 200m Hurdles
Six lines of cops in full riot gear and a row of journalists predicting,
"the end of Bradford as we know it."

13. Football
The council owned pitches will be used for this event, once all the dog
dirt, mattresses and burnt out cars are removed. Any joy riding(showing off
their handbrake turns) while the games are taking place is not permitted.

14. Shooting
This will take place outside The Venus Club and only sawn off shotguns will
be allowed.

15. Weightlifting
This event will now be changed to a new event, Bus Shelter Smashing. The
committee is confident of a medal in this event.

16. Relay
This will take place on White Abbey Road. The athletes run 50m each passing
a lighted petrol bomb on to each other before the last athlete lobs it at
the target, a black mariah.

Bradford welcomes such a major international event, and looks forward to
putting up the council tax again. Also we welcome the true spirit of the
games flourishing in this part of West Yorkshire. We therefore urge the
Olympic Committee to consider this bid in light of a tried and trusted saying,
"It is not the taking part that counts, it's the taking apart"